The Opinionist

Look how cute she is! How hard can it be, right?

As we all know, a new parent is but a gymnasium in which we may all practise these following very important skills: being patronising, being judgemental, repeating the same tedious advice that everyone reels out in an endless stream of do-what-I-says, I-know-bests and bet-you-didn’t-knows – get your sleep in before the baby arrives, you’ll need it! A hot curry and sex works to help get the baby out! Bio-oil stops stretch marks! (Honestly, if you’re going to insist on telling people what worked for you and must therefore work for everyone without fail or deviation then at least make the effort to be a little original. It is very dull listening to the same thing fifty times a day.)

The funny thing is, even when the advice-mongers manage a new titbit of parenting or pregnancy wisdom, it never seems to be the stuff you really need. The real stuff rarely gets an airing, like The Truth About Breastfeeding, or that you won’t emotionally damage your child by giving him a dummy or letting her cry for five minutes while you have a wee, or that you might not have a scheduled three or five day breakdown but six weeks might be a bit of a Oh This Is My Life Now And It’s Noisy And Exhausting shock, or that there is no one perfect way to parent, regardless of what the books say.

Anyway, if you’re interested and want to know some stuff, here are six things I wish someone had told me/I had listened to before I had my baby. If, like me, you already know everything and hate listening to advice, then there’s no need to read on and you might like to have a look at this.

Breastfeeding hurts

One of the most perplexing lies told to pregnant women is that breastfeeding doesn’t hurt. Worse, they are told that if you are doing it right, breastfeeding doesn’t hurt. So after several sweaty hours of intense pain, pushing a human out of your ladygarden, and dealing with all the associated hormones and emotions, the very first thing you do as a parent is wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. Call yourself a mother? You are wrong.The truth is, breastfeeding takes a while to get the hang of, for both baby and mother, and in that period you’re going to cock it up and it’s going to hurt. When you get it right, your nipples aren’t used to being sucked on for several hours a day. Much like new shoes hurt until they’re broken in, breastfeeding is going to hurt. The good news is it gets better and when it does get better it happens very quickly. Six weeks in and it no longer makes my toes curl. Brace yourself for those first six weeks though. Also, if you’re expecting and haven’t heard about cluster feeds, look it up now.

Your baby doesn’t know it needs to feed every two hours

Other mums and antenatal classes will warn you that your new baby will feed every two hours day and night. What they don’t tell you is that your baby probably doesn’t know this, especially if you’ve had a lot of drugs or a traumatic birth and your baby is very sleepy. Feeding on demand might not work in the first few days and if your baby doesn’t wake up for his feed, you have to wake him up and remind him to eat, even if that means setting an alarm every two hours in the night. Maternity service providers: tell all new mums this when you hand them their baby. Do not wait until babies are floppy before pointing this out. Thanks.

You don’t have to love your baby straight away

Some people undoubtedly have a sudden overwhelming surge of love for their baby. Others don’t. It’s not that you wouldn’t rip apart anyone who came close to threatening your baby, it’s just that right now you’re not in love with your baby. It’s fair enough really, how often do you fall in love with someone you’ve just met? Give it time though, it does happen and it doesn’t mean you’re a bad parents if your baby and you want a few days to look quizzically at each other before deciding: yes, I recognise you, I’ve got space for you.

You don’t have to make the crying stop

All you have to do is respond to it. Biology might make you frantic when your new baby cries but if it’s fed, clean, not in pain and warm, sometimes babies just cry. Being in the world must be a pretty scary experience for the brand new people – I bet you cried too. There are a raft of parenting books insisting that babies in cultures where they are held all day don’t cry. This is a lie. All babies cry and you are not a failure if your baby cries. Not only is it a lie, it’s kind of racist. These cultures are invariably described as “tribal” or “indigenous”, when in reality they simply aren’t white, Western and middle class. Here’s this from baby expert Dr Sears discussing the exciting natives he met that made him realise babies should be carried at all times to stop them crying: “women in their culture don’t have the benefits of books and studies about mothering hormones”. The women were Zambian. Shockingly, there are actually books in Zambia and he met the women at a conference. I’m gonna guess they had read a book or two. Crying is how babies communicate. Sometimes they’re just trying to have a conversation with you – try talking back to them.

Some babies dig being put down

Yeah yeah baby-led blah blah attachment parenting yadda yadda Willow spends all day in her sling and then we sing organic lullabies to her in her free-range bio-cot. Turns out my baby is much calmer when I put her down occasionally and let her have a look around at the world on her own. Some babies like being held all the time. Some babies like being put down. There is no one answer for all babies and what one baby likes one day might be completely different the next. Whatever parenting formula your friend managed to stick religiously to might well have turned out a lively, happy toddler, but be honest, how many toddlers do you know who aren’t lively and happy?

Eat, play, sleep

Of all the things, I wish I knew this the most. I’m not into baby training or crying it out or Gina Fording and pre-baby I could barely schedule a piss let alone have a routine in my day, but it turns out my offspring is much happier when we do things habitually. Not a strict routine, just a gentle and predictable pattern to the day. She tells me she’s hungry, we feed, have a little play, get tired, have a little sleep, and so it goes on. We both know what to expect. If one bit goes wrong, it’s not the whole day that’s ruined, just that little segment and you can pick it all up again in a couple of hours come feedy time. Happy baby, happy mummy, no need to turn to gin.

And finally, while taking advice can be galling and admitting you are struggling is hard, at the very least occasionally listen to your mum. She’s had kids, you turned out okay, she might know a thing or two that helps you out. Just don’t tell her I said so.